I can haz teh coffeez!!!!

Short blog post today.  It just occurred to me that last night around 8:00pm, I had a 16 oz drip coffee from Starbucks.  I drank the whole thing.  It was delicious!

Then we went grocery shopping, came home, and I did a little bit of work for Silverbells, surfed a little on my computer, and went to bed, falling asleep within 15 minutes of doing so (normal for me).

Yes, I know, this is a typically normal night for most of the people in the world.  However, a few short months ago, this sequence of events would have had me wide awake, completely unable to sleep for several hours.  After which, I would have tried to awaken at my normal 6:00am wake time feeling like I'd been run over by a Mack truck and that death would be a welcome relief.  This morning, however, I had little more than the typical "Oh crap, it's morning again" feeling that most people over the age of 30 get when they have typical day jobs and are not morning people.

Which indicates to me that the horrible insomnia I was having must have been directly related to the Sleep Apnea.  Which is now being very effectively managed, so I think I can expect far fewer insomnia episodes in the future.  Yay!!!

The freaky sounds of Obstructive Sleep Apnea

Yes, I have now, in fact, caught myself in the middle of an apneic episode.  And it freaked me the heck out.

You see, I have started listening to these self-hypnosis recordings in an effort for some subliminal self improvement.  One series is on self esteem and body image.  It is meant for weight loss (naturally), but with a focus on self love and such, rather than coming from a place of shame as most weight loss programs are.  The other is on motivation to exercise.  I've found them to be helpful so far.  I'm supposed to listen every day for 21 days to get fully imprinted, or whatever.

In any case, I've noticed that the body's reaction when going into a relaxed hypnotic state is very much the same as when falling asleep.  I started off lying on my back when listening to the tapes.  For some reason, that seemed to be more relaxing than on my side, which is how I always fall asleep at night.  And I noticed that I would come out of my hypnotic state at least 2-3 times in the course of a 20 minute recording, gasping and making gurgling snorey noises in the back of my throat. 

Yeah, really freaked me out.  I didn't like it at all.

And this is what I was doing every 7-10 minutes all night every night.  Only I didn't wake up enough to notice, or something.  Scary stuff.

So now I listen in bed, before going to sleep.  Lying on my side, hooked up to my CPAP machine.

Much better ...

Sleepy Kitty is a Happy Kitty!

I started this blog mostly as my own personal therapeutic journal.  It helps me clarify my feelings when I write.  Also, I enjoy it.  Writing is fun for me (well, most of the time, anyway).  So yes, it was a very selfish endeavor, but selfish in a good way. 

I have noticed, though, that I have several followers.  Many of you have been posting helpful and encouraging comments, and I very much appreciate it.  I know there are several more of you who are more silent followers, and I do hope you are enjoying my musings.  I do try to keep it entertaining.

This morning, though, I found out that one of my "silent followers" finally got the courage up to do a sleep study himself, in some small part due to reading about my experiences and realizing that there might be a medical, and treatable, cause behind his sleep issues.  It is extremely likely (as in, almost definite) that he is going to be prescribed CPAP therapy as well for sleep apnea.  Words cannot express how much this touches me and gladdens my soul.  To think that I may have helped someone else experience the kind of relief I have had ... well, I'll just say it is one of the best feelings EVER.

So ... yeah ...

Oh, and on a totally different, yet related, note, last night I got a full night of snuggles.  This is a very good thing indeed.

A little disappointment among all the happy ...

Okay, I'm not wanting this to be a downer post.  I'm really not.  Because over all, I am so very happy with the results of my CPAP therapy.  I'm getting decent sleep almost every night. I hardly notice the mask anymore when I sleep, and only on the rarest of occasions need to take any amount of Ambien.  I have the energy to do things again, and go places, and be out in the world without feeling like a giant hot mess.  My mental clarity and acuity is coming back and because of that, I am starting to feel like a productive member of society again -- and this, my friends, is HUGE. 

I am oh so very glad I finally decided to take that step and see the sleep specialist and get another sleep study.

But I've been very pensive lately about a few other aspects in my life and my body that have not responded as I expected.  I'm not sure whether my expectations were too high, or that I still haven't given it enough time, or what.  In any case, since I tend to blog as therapy, I'm going to write about them in the hopes that it can push me past this minor melancholy.  You can stop reading now if you wish.

1) Overall energy
I guess I was expecting after a few weeks of CPAP therapy to come back to being the Turbo Kitty ball of fire that I had been two years ago.  You know, working out two hours every day, climbing mountains, running 5K races, and all that.  Yeah, not so much.  Okay, not at all.  I suppose I should be grateful for what I do have.  I am able to do housework again, (except when I'm sick, or rehearsing a show ... but for that I have the amazing Laura Leingang to help me) and yard work, and laundry, and all those things that most people take for granted, but I had not really been able to do for so long.  Heck, I made it through dance rehearsals for Urinetown ... all two of them!  LOL!  But somehow I expected more.  But I will continue gradually increasing my activity level by walking, and low-intensity workouts, until I can do more.  Hoping to be able to do a Zumba and/or BodyPump class by the end of this month.  That is my goal.

2) Weight Loss
This has been a major disappointment to me in my healing journey.  I was really hoping that once my massive sleep debt had been "paid off", that I would lose my gargantuan appetite for high-carb/high-fat/high-sugar junk foods, and be able to start dropping all these extra pounds that have found me in the last year and a half.  Please note, this has nothing to do with my engagement and upcoming wedding.  It is something I want for me, and for my health.  Sadly, I have actually gained weight and gone up a clothing size since my CPAP treatment began.  Granted, some of that can be attributed to my recent vacation ... and I don't regret those "Mexico pounds" one bit!  When one is at an all-inclusive resort with AMAZING food and unlimited yummy tropical drinks, one really must EAT AND DRINK ALL THE THINGS.  Now, that said, I'm back home now, and I'm making a concerted effort to eat healthy and track my food and stay within a reasonable calorie limit and nutritional balance (and many thanks and much love to Brian, for being so supportive and helping by cooking healthy light meals).  So far I've gone 4 days in a row on MyFitnessPal.  Hey, it's something.  It is just really disheartening that it is so hard for me, when I expected it would come a little more easily once I was over the sleep deprivation and my hormones were no longer so out of whack.  I've started using some subliminal messaging recordings that deal with weight loss, self esteem and exercise.  I'll let you know after 21 days if I think they have had any effect.  But for only $20 for the two, it seemed like a reasonable expense to give it a try.

3) Light Sleeping
Even more than the weight issues, this is the one that has me in tears way too much of the time.  While I think I can definitely attribute the almost nightly insomnia to the sleep apnea (seeing as it has mostly disappeared), I'm afraid the light sleeping and being easily woken by noise has not improved.  And even more sadly, neither has Brian's snoring.  Neither the white noise machine nor earplugs nor going to sleep first (which almost never happens anyway simply due to our different body clocks) makes one lick of difference.  And it is killing me, breaking my heart into a hundred tiny pieces every night.  I hate, hate, hate, a million times hate the fact that I have to choose between getting a decent night's sleep and being able to be a good partner (fiancée ... future wife ...) by providing those relationship building nighttime snuggles.  I was really hoping that would no longer be a problem once I had the sleep apnea and deprivation under control.  But it seems as though it is not to be.  And I don't know if there is anything I can do about it.

But again, I have to re-emphasize that overall, things are going very well, and I am happy with the results.  I'm in such better mental and physical shape than I was a few months ago.  And for that I will always be extremely grateful.

I just can't help but wish everything was perfect ...