I'm also a little bit unnerved by how many different images one can pull up by doing a simple search of "unicorn farting rainbows". Yes, I typed that in a search engine. Okay, I actually typed as far as "unicorn fart" and the Bing search came up with "unicorn farting rainbows" all on its own.
I think the most disturbing, however, was the unicorn puking a rainbow while being ridden by Adolf Hitler brandishing a sword.
Who makes this stuff up, anyway?
Okay ... so, moving on ...
The whole reason behind my Facebook page being inundated with images of unicorns pooping and/or farting rainbows is an attempt to cheer me out of a continued low mood. And, naturally, the low mood is because I'm still struggling with my sleep. I really expected to feel better by now. I definitely expected to have gotten used to the CPAP and be sleeping through the night by now. And I'm not. This upsets me. A lot.
Yes, the Ambien is helping. I'm only taking 5mg at night, and not the full 10mg. And it helps me to drop off, but I guess I was expecting more. I still wake up throughout the night. I still can't sleep through Brian's snoring. And I am anything but adjusted to the CPAP and the mask.
But I think the worst part is that I have developed a conscious anxiety about going to sleep. I actually dread having to go to bed now, even if I am super tired. I'm not sure how this happened. I used to love going to bed. It was one of my favorite parts of the day. I used to love taking naps, when I needed to and had the time. I found them wonderfully refreshing. Now all I can associate sleep with is discomfort (from the CPAP mask), frustration (from not being able to fall asleep or stay asleep easily), and failure (from being unable to achieve the goal of said sleep, which is getting some good rest). Hence the anxiety.
I hate my body so much for failing me this way. I hate myself for still needing to ask Brian to sleep in the other room most of the time. I hate myself even more because I can't even be fair about it and take my turns getting out of bed and moving to the guest room, because I'm tethered to that damned machine.
Truth be told, I now understand why so many people refuse to use a CPAP even when they have severe sleep apnea. I'd have given up by now myself if I didn't feel so lousy, and wasn't experiencing such a dramatic decline in my quality of life due to sleep deprivation. I just don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to wait for the "feeling better" part of this whole treatment to happen. It's like I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and it turned out to be a freaking train that smashed into me and ran me over a dozen times.
I also find myself resentful of people who can just drop off to sleep with no problem, and sleep away for 8, 10, 12 hours at a time with no effort whatsoever. I think I would sell my firstborn child for that ability, if I had one. Or perhaps my soul. Again, if I had one. The whole redhead thing, you know. What this means is I find myself resenting people I love. But I can't just turn off that feeling like throwing a switch. I wish I could. I know it is irrational, but I can't stop feeling it. Kind of like other irrational feelings I have that I wish I could turn off. But I probably shouldn't get in to that now ...
Okay, time for another farting unicorn picture!
Today I finally broke down and called the sleep clinic to talk about my mask, and whether maybe I should try a different one. Despite the chin strap that is supposed to "train" me to not breathe through my mouth, I still find myself doing so unconsciously in my sleep. I also talk in my sleep on occasion. Both of which causes me to break the seal on my CPAP nasal mask, which in turn wakes me up. I explained this to the tech, and she agreed that maybe I should try a full face mask. I am not looking forward to this. I'm also not sure how much more adjustment I will need to be able to follow my natural sleeping patterns of falling asleep curled up on my side, and then rolling on to my back and switching positions multiple times throughout the night. It seems to me all these masks were designed only for people who sleep quiet and still on their backs in a single position throughout the night. And who does that, really? Not me, that's for sure. And I'll probably need to up my Ambien dosage just to get through the claustrophobic anxiety of having my whole face covered with a breathing apparatus. Yuck. As I said, NOT looking forward to this.
My appointment is on Monday. In the meantime, I'll keep on with the nasal pillows I have, trying as best I can to get adjusted to sleeping with the machine. And trying to get over my "going to bed" anxiety. And trying to be as loving a partner as I possibly can to Brian, while we both work through all this crap. What more can I do?
Other than perfecting the art of farting rainbows, that is?
No comments:
Post a Comment