Did anyone catch the reference in the title? If you're a true Gilbert & Sullivan fan, you should. :)
No, this blog post is not about my whining about being "always the bridesmaid, never the bride". Truth be told, I'm not even bridesmaid material any more. Too old. And to be perfectly honest, not all that interested. Been there, done that, had a great time but really don't need to go there again. If I ever do get married again, I don't even want my own bridesmaids. I don't want a traditional wedding party at all. It will be my family standing up with me, or I'll stand up for myself, or I'll just pick whoever has the coolest costume to stand up with me. Whatever ...
But no, this blog isn't about my not getting married (even though it is true that I am not, not in the near future anyway). It is, however, about my not having any patience. And yes, it is a whine. I ate a lot of cheese earlier, so please don't ask me if I want cheese with that. I've already eaten plenty. Unless you have brie. I'll always take brie. Or camembert.
So I'm still struggling with the whole "When do I start feeling better?" and "When do I start getting my energy back?" and even "When do I get to sleep through the night with a CPAP like it's no big deal?" I'm so tired of this. I feel so alone, like no one understands, like I have no one I can talk to about any of this. Even though I know that isn't true, I still feel this way.
Even worse, I am mind-bogglingly, almost painfully jealous of anyone who can drop right off to sleep without a struggle. Who can stay asleep for hours on end. Who can wake up feeling refreshed. I'm so jealous of these people I want to scream. Or cry. Or throw things. Or all three. I hate myself and my body and my mind so much for being so flawed. Which leads me down other unpleasant rabbit holes about being so flawed that I am not good enough and not wanted and not worthy.
I think you see where I'm going with this.
Okay, so on another topic, I'm also super annoyed with my insurance company right now. Why, you ask? Because I need a rechargeable battery for my CPAP device so that I can take the thing camping. I've found a few on-line sources, and the prices run around $300. But a rechargeable CPAP battery is not covered by insurance (any insurance, not just my specific policy), because it is considered a "luxury item". Now, can I afford $300? Of course I can. That isn't the point. Nor is it the point that I think my insurance company should subsidize my desire to go camping. They don't need to do that. However, what really ticks me off is that a rechargeable battery is not just for people with Obstructive Sleep Apnea who have made lifestyle choices that include sleeping out doors in a tent in the middle of nature away from electrical power sources. It is also a valuable backup source for one's CPAP during a power outage. Something completely beyond the control of the OSA sufferer. And yet, having access to one's prescribed medical device that is necessary to treat a diagnosed medical condition during an unplanned and uncontrollable power outage is considered a "luxury" to insurance providers.
WTF?
Okay, rant over.
Ugh! I just don't know what to do any more. I'm feeling extremely low right now, both physically and emotionally. Despite my having gotten a pretty good night's sleep with the CPAP last night, and about an hour nap (also with CPAP) this afternoon. I'm just feeling all the feels, and the feels aren't happy ones. I don't know if that is a normal part of the healing process either, or if I'm not healing at all or what. Bleh!
Oh, yeah, and my continuing internet research has yielded me more information, and I'm now pretty convinced that in addition to mild sleep apnea, I might also have Upper Airway Resistance Syndrome. Which basically means that my airway narrows to the point where breathing is difficult enough to wake me from sleep, but not enough to register as an apneic or hypopnic event on a standard sleep study. It would actually explain a lot of my sleep study results, and why I feel so crappy with such a low AHI score. And for this particular sleep disorder, I do fit the profile, as UARS is more common among younger women. And it is often found along side low or borderline sleep apnea polysomnography results, as well as being more connected to insomnia (both onset insomnia and maintenance insomnia, both of which I suffer from). I will definitely be talking about this with my doctor at my next appointment. Granted, most of the medical articles on UARS indicate the same treatment as for OSA, so he probably won't do much about it. I guess I'll just keep on trying with the CPAP.
I have a feeling a different style mask is going to be in my near future. This does not make me happy, but I'd rather have something more intrusive and uncomfortable that works well. And if what works best and allows me the best sleep is a full face mask, then so be it. I'm just not sure how long I keep trying with the nasal pillows before giving up on them. And how long I need to wait before calling the DME people at the sleep center to get something else to try.
Yeah, I don't think I'll be changing my blog name any time soon ... :(
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