I can haz teh coffeez!!!!

Short blog post today.  It just occurred to me that last night around 8:00pm, I had a 16 oz drip coffee from Starbucks.  I drank the whole thing.  It was delicious!

Then we went grocery shopping, came home, and I did a little bit of work for Silverbells, surfed a little on my computer, and went to bed, falling asleep within 15 minutes of doing so (normal for me).

Yes, I know, this is a typically normal night for most of the people in the world.  However, a few short months ago, this sequence of events would have had me wide awake, completely unable to sleep for several hours.  After which, I would have tried to awaken at my normal 6:00am wake time feeling like I'd been run over by a Mack truck and that death would be a welcome relief.  This morning, however, I had little more than the typical "Oh crap, it's morning again" feeling that most people over the age of 30 get when they have typical day jobs and are not morning people.

Which indicates to me that the horrible insomnia I was having must have been directly related to the Sleep Apnea.  Which is now being very effectively managed, so I think I can expect far fewer insomnia episodes in the future.  Yay!!!

The freaky sounds of Obstructive Sleep Apnea

Yes, I have now, in fact, caught myself in the middle of an apneic episode.  And it freaked me the heck out.

You see, I have started listening to these self-hypnosis recordings in an effort for some subliminal self improvement.  One series is on self esteem and body image.  It is meant for weight loss (naturally), but with a focus on self love and such, rather than coming from a place of shame as most weight loss programs are.  The other is on motivation to exercise.  I've found them to be helpful so far.  I'm supposed to listen every day for 21 days to get fully imprinted, or whatever.

In any case, I've noticed that the body's reaction when going into a relaxed hypnotic state is very much the same as when falling asleep.  I started off lying on my back when listening to the tapes.  For some reason, that seemed to be more relaxing than on my side, which is how I always fall asleep at night.  And I noticed that I would come out of my hypnotic state at least 2-3 times in the course of a 20 minute recording, gasping and making gurgling snorey noises in the back of my throat. 

Yeah, really freaked me out.  I didn't like it at all.

And this is what I was doing every 7-10 minutes all night every night.  Only I didn't wake up enough to notice, or something.  Scary stuff.

So now I listen in bed, before going to sleep.  Lying on my side, hooked up to my CPAP machine.

Much better ...

Sleepy Kitty is a Happy Kitty!

I started this blog mostly as my own personal therapeutic journal.  It helps me clarify my feelings when I write.  Also, I enjoy it.  Writing is fun for me (well, most of the time, anyway).  So yes, it was a very selfish endeavor, but selfish in a good way. 

I have noticed, though, that I have several followers.  Many of you have been posting helpful and encouraging comments, and I very much appreciate it.  I know there are several more of you who are more silent followers, and I do hope you are enjoying my musings.  I do try to keep it entertaining.

This morning, though, I found out that one of my "silent followers" finally got the courage up to do a sleep study himself, in some small part due to reading about my experiences and realizing that there might be a medical, and treatable, cause behind his sleep issues.  It is extremely likely (as in, almost definite) that he is going to be prescribed CPAP therapy as well for sleep apnea.  Words cannot express how much this touches me and gladdens my soul.  To think that I may have helped someone else experience the kind of relief I have had ... well, I'll just say it is one of the best feelings EVER.

So ... yeah ...

Oh, and on a totally different, yet related, note, last night I got a full night of snuggles.  This is a very good thing indeed.

A little disappointment among all the happy ...

Okay, I'm not wanting this to be a downer post.  I'm really not.  Because over all, I am so very happy with the results of my CPAP therapy.  I'm getting decent sleep almost every night. I hardly notice the mask anymore when I sleep, and only on the rarest of occasions need to take any amount of Ambien.  I have the energy to do things again, and go places, and be out in the world without feeling like a giant hot mess.  My mental clarity and acuity is coming back and because of that, I am starting to feel like a productive member of society again -- and this, my friends, is HUGE. 

I am oh so very glad I finally decided to take that step and see the sleep specialist and get another sleep study.

But I've been very pensive lately about a few other aspects in my life and my body that have not responded as I expected.  I'm not sure whether my expectations were too high, or that I still haven't given it enough time, or what.  In any case, since I tend to blog as therapy, I'm going to write about them in the hopes that it can push me past this minor melancholy.  You can stop reading now if you wish.

1) Overall energy
I guess I was expecting after a few weeks of CPAP therapy to come back to being the Turbo Kitty ball of fire that I had been two years ago.  You know, working out two hours every day, climbing mountains, running 5K races, and all that.  Yeah, not so much.  Okay, not at all.  I suppose I should be grateful for what I do have.  I am able to do housework again, (except when I'm sick, or rehearsing a show ... but for that I have the amazing Laura Leingang to help me) and yard work, and laundry, and all those things that most people take for granted, but I had not really been able to do for so long.  Heck, I made it through dance rehearsals for Urinetown ... all two of them!  LOL!  But somehow I expected more.  But I will continue gradually increasing my activity level by walking, and low-intensity workouts, until I can do more.  Hoping to be able to do a Zumba and/or BodyPump class by the end of this month.  That is my goal.

2) Weight Loss
This has been a major disappointment to me in my healing journey.  I was really hoping that once my massive sleep debt had been "paid off", that I would lose my gargantuan appetite for high-carb/high-fat/high-sugar junk foods, and be able to start dropping all these extra pounds that have found me in the last year and a half.  Please note, this has nothing to do with my engagement and upcoming wedding.  It is something I want for me, and for my health.  Sadly, I have actually gained weight and gone up a clothing size since my CPAP treatment began.  Granted, some of that can be attributed to my recent vacation ... and I don't regret those "Mexico pounds" one bit!  When one is at an all-inclusive resort with AMAZING food and unlimited yummy tropical drinks, one really must EAT AND DRINK ALL THE THINGS.  Now, that said, I'm back home now, and I'm making a concerted effort to eat healthy and track my food and stay within a reasonable calorie limit and nutritional balance (and many thanks and much love to Brian, for being so supportive and helping by cooking healthy light meals).  So far I've gone 4 days in a row on MyFitnessPal.  Hey, it's something.  It is just really disheartening that it is so hard for me, when I expected it would come a little more easily once I was over the sleep deprivation and my hormones were no longer so out of whack.  I've started using some subliminal messaging recordings that deal with weight loss, self esteem and exercise.  I'll let you know after 21 days if I think they have had any effect.  But for only $20 for the two, it seemed like a reasonable expense to give it a try.

3) Light Sleeping
Even more than the weight issues, this is the one that has me in tears way too much of the time.  While I think I can definitely attribute the almost nightly insomnia to the sleep apnea (seeing as it has mostly disappeared), I'm afraid the light sleeping and being easily woken by noise has not improved.  And even more sadly, neither has Brian's snoring.  Neither the white noise machine nor earplugs nor going to sleep first (which almost never happens anyway simply due to our different body clocks) makes one lick of difference.  And it is killing me, breaking my heart into a hundred tiny pieces every night.  I hate, hate, hate, a million times hate the fact that I have to choose between getting a decent night's sleep and being able to be a good partner (fiancée ... future wife ...) by providing those relationship building nighttime snuggles.  I was really hoping that would no longer be a problem once I had the sleep apnea and deprivation under control.  But it seems as though it is not to be.  And I don't know if there is anything I can do about it.

But again, I have to re-emphasize that overall, things are going very well, and I am happy with the results.  I'm in such better mental and physical shape than I was a few months ago.  And for that I will always be extremely grateful.

I just can't help but wish everything was perfect ...

Why having insurance does not suck

Any of you who know me to any degree beyond just casual acquaintance will know that due to my profession, I have very strong opinions on the Affordable Care Act, and the health insurance industry (and what I see as it's general direction in this country).  This blog post is NOT meant to reiterate that, or change anyone's mind on their particular opinions on the subject.  I will simply leave it at the fact that I am truly glad that some of my friends are now able to have health insurance coverage now for the first time in forever, and I am very happy for them, but I still disagree with how the Act was created and implemented, and there is pretty much nothing anyone will be able to say to convince me that a government-run, single payer health care system is in any way a good idea in this country.  If that is your belief, I will let you keep it; I ask you to respect me enough to keep mine.

Okay, that said, I recently read a comment on a good friend's Facebook page that really set me off.  The friend was legitimately venting about an uncovered service on her insurance policy, and I had complete sympathy for her (I understood the rationale behind the exclusion, though I disagree with it). However, another friend of hers made a comment on said thread to the effect that all health insurance sucks and it is completely worthless and a huge racket.  To which, I pretty much lost it, and left a very snarky and sarcastic reply comment for which I am still not the least bit sorry.  Granted, I was still really sick with bronchitis at the time, and overstressed from work, and the show, and wedding planning and I recognize that I wasn't in the most forgiving frame of mind.  Still, I'm not at all sorry about saying what I did.

It just really gets me how little people understand what insurance is supposed to be.  I do, however, understand why they seem to think that a health insurance policy needs to cover every possible test, service and treatment with up front first-dollar coverage -- this is what our state and federal governments have forced the industry into doing.  But seriously, no one expects their car insurance policy to cover every oil change and maintenance service for free.  So why do we all expect that up front with our health insurance policy?  I really don't get it.

The other thing people really don't seem to get is how much work insurance companies work to get really amazing discounts from doctors, drug companies, and medical equipment/device providers.  Seriously, it is huge.  In fact, they will often do it for providers that aren't even in their network.  Just so that their members don't have to shell out huge sums of dough.  Does that sound like something an evil, greedy, money-grubbing corporation only concerned with profit and lining the pockets of their CEO would do? 

[Fact: Last year when Brian had his sinus surgery done by an out-of-network provider, his insurance company did, in fact, negotiate discounts and got the total surgery cost down to less than half of billed charges.]

In going over my statements of benefits for my diagnosis and treatment of Sleep Apnea, I was once again reminded of how much my insurance does not suck, and how grateful I am to have it.  Even though having to do so has caused me to reach my rather large medical deductible.  That too is a good thing, as any other services I get this year (including the recent Urgent Care visit) will now be covered at 80% by my insurance, in addition to the aforementioned discounts.  Silver lining, I suppose, to being unpleasantly sick for far too large a portion of this year?

A few non-hypothetical examples of how my insurance has made this a much less financially painful experience for me:

• Initial visit and consultation with Sleep Specialist: Billed $370, Discount $134.25 -- I paid $235.75
• Follow up visits with Sleep Specialist: Billed $165, Discount $63.64 -- I paid $101.36 (each)
• At-Home Sleep Study: Billed $600, Discount $283.94 -- I paid $316.06
• CPAP machine: Billed $2,052, Discount $1,599.57, portion paid by insurance after meeting deductible $157.59 -- I pay $294.84

Ability to sleep through the night and wake up feeling refreshed and able to get stuff done and enjoy my day and my life = PRICELESS!!!

CPAP and respiratory infections

Warning, whiney post ahead!

So my theater peeps will know what I'm talking about here.  You're in a show, and one cast member gets sick with some icky upper respiratory crud.  And then said icky respiratory crud starts making its way around the cast, especially among those who share a dressing room with the aforementioned "Patient Zero".  So you start popping Airborne, and washing your hands more often, and pray this one will pass you by.  But of course, it doesn't.  And you find yourself in the throes of said nasty viral illness during the next weekend of the show.  A show for which there are no understudies and no "backup plan". 

So you soldier on and give it 100% of the 40% or so you have left in you, meanwhile feeling guilty as hell because you are only working 9-10 hour work days in your day job (in addition to performances) because the rest of your team is working crazy stupid around-the-clock hours and you don't feel like you are justified in taking a sick day when you already work from home.  And you try to ignore the fact that you are asthmatic and have a propensity to develop bronchitis at the drop of a hat, and definitely as a result of any "common cold" that isn't immediately taken care of.  Thereby ending up completely useless and feeling like death after said weekend of performances.

Okay, maybe that last part only applies to me ...

Anyway ... You may be wondering what that has to do with my experiences with sleep apnea and CPAP therapy.  Well, honestly, nothing much except that I wanted to vent my frustrations about how much more using the CPAP makes being sick SUCK MAJOR DONKEY BALLS.

First of all, it is much more difficult to catch a quick nap, which is something I not only like to do but pretty much NEED to do when I'm fighting off a cold.  I can't just grab 30 minutes on the sofa, I have to go into the bedroom and hook myself up to the machine, and let myself get comfortable, etc, etc, etc.  I actually ended up giving up several naps for this reason, which was definitely to my detriment. 

Secondly, even with a full face mask, trying to breathe through one of those things with a stuffed up nose and major sinus pressure is pretty unpleasant.  Just makes all the pressure feel that much more enhanced when you have pressurized air blowing into your face every couple seconds.  Coughing into the mask is equally unpleasant.  And the feeling when you wake up and your ears are totally plugged up because of all that extra pressure and stuff, oh yeah, that's just tons of fun.

Then you get to add the extra special feeling of claustrophobia induced by having to wear a full face mask when you are struggling enough to breathe due to a full blown bronchial infection.  And again, waking up every few hours with a coughing fit into said mask, thereby further enhancing said claustrophobic feeling.

I can only hope that the drug combination the doctor prescribed (antibiotic for the infection, prednisone for the inflammation, and codeine cough syrup to help me sleep) will kick this to the curb so that I don't have to keep on feeling like something that came oozing out of a dog's rectum, and I can resume my more loving relationship with my CPAP machine.

Okay, end whining ranting uber discontented and rather emo blog post.

A little, unexpected benefit

So, you have all heard how much I'm liking the CPAP now, and how awesome it is that I can get a decent night's sleep again (that is, when I'm not in Tech Week).  But there is another small benefit to sleeping with the full face mask that I hadn't anticipated, which is quite nice.

Brian can let out the biggest, nastiest farts EVER in bed, and I don't smell them.

Woo hoo!!!

Also, I can let out the biggest nastiest farts EVER in bed, and I don't smell them.

But he does.

Tee hee!

More on the 100 days of healing ...

Yes, I have been feeling better.  A lot better, in fact.  So much better that sometimes I forget how bad off I was not so long ago.  And sometimes I forget that I still have a lot of healing to do, and a lot of sleep debt that I have to make up for.  And sometimes I forget that I still need to be gentle with myself.

Lucky for me, I have someone who will be gentle for me, and makes sure I take care of myself.

But seriously, while it is really, really nice to be able to sleep through the night again, and to have the majority of my brain power back again, I have to admit, I'm tired of always being tired.  I want to get my energy back.  I want to be able to start working out again, and maybe start training for a 5K like I used to do.  I want to be able to lose all this weight I've gained in the last year.

Right now it is 10:15pm on a Saturday night, and I'm ready to go to bed.

I feel like I'm 90 years old.

CPAP on a plane ...

Okay, so maybe that title is a little misleading.  I didn't actually use it on the plane.  But it was my first time taking it on a trip that required air travel.  Check off another "first" for me.

I had to go to Florida on business, so it was actually a double "first", in that I was also sleeping in a hotel room alone for the first time since getting the CPAP.  If you will recall, I have in recent years had a really hard time sleeping well when away on business.  So this was actually a really good test.

But first ... the travel part.

Since this was a short trip (2 days), I figured I'd just take everything as carry on luggage, and see if I had any trouble with 3 items - overnight bag with laptop, CPAP, and purse.  The answer was an overwhelming NO.  Went through security without a problem.  Okay, no problem with the CPAP, that is (though my learned lesson is not to put stacks of paper such as books, notepads or the like in my carry on luggage).  I actually had someone ahead of me in line ask about it, and whether he had to take it out of the case.  Apparently, they are becoming so common, and commonly travelled with, that removing from the case is not required any more.  Yay!  A little cumbersome to have to deal with yet another item when getting through an airport, not to mention stowing and retrieving carry on baggage.  But not horrible.

Second part of the test was how well I slept in the hotel.  This one passed with flying colors!  I almost feel guilty about how well I slept without someone making noise on the other side of the bed.  I also have realized that I need to replace my pillow at home to something softer.  I have the contoured pillows that are really good for supporting my neck, but not so good with the CPAP face mask.  So softer pillows it is!

Overall, though, I was pretty amazed at how well I slept, and how I wasn't waking up every 40 minutes or so checking the clock and taking 10-15 minutes to fall back asleep.  Only took me about 24 hours to adjust to the new time zone, which was really nice.  Unfortunately, I had a lot of work to do after the meetings, so I had to stay up late and get that done, which gave me less total sleep than I really wanted/needed.  Same thing with the late flight home Thursday followed by an obscenely early call Friday morning.  But that wasn't so much an issue with bad sleep as simply insufficient sleep.

All in all, it was really quite wonderful to know that I can do long distance travel requiring air travel, especially for business, again and not have it wreaking havoc on me physically.

Woo hoo!!!!

Oh, and the mojitos and Cuban food were AMAZING!

One month follow up visit

Yes, this is another "catch up" post.  I decided to break them up, since the two topics are pretty different.  Plus, I really wanted to close that last post with my happy engagement news.  I'm still in a happy glowing mood over that one.

I did, however, have my one month follow up appointment with Dr. Chenn, the sleep specialist.  It went well.  Very well, actually.  Okay, except for the part where the medical assistant had me get on the scale.  I never like that part, and this time it did sting more than a bit.  But everything else was actually quite good.

1) Blood pressure is back down to normal range (126/80)

2) API score (number of times I stop breathing or have extremely labored breathing per hour during sleep) with the CPAP is 0.9.  For reference, anything under 5 is considered "non apneic" and anything under 1 is very good.

3) My average pressure setting - in a variable setting of 8 to 12 - averaged around 9.  So I'm actually not needing all that much pressure to keep my breathing steady.

4) My compliance with using the device is well within what the insurance company's guidelines for conversion from rental to purchase.

5) I feel so much better!  I really feel like I'm getting restorative sleep now.  Not necessarily enough of it most of the time, but that is something I will just need to work on as part of my 100 days of healing.

The best part of all of that, in my opinion, was that he felt like I was doing well enough with my therapy that I don't need monthly visits any more, and recommended coming back in a year for my next follow up.  Woo hoo!

I also really appreciated the fact that he did mention weight loss, but in a non-judgmental or preachy kind of way.  It was more of a "this is something that would be good for you in terms of apnea and other things" but we both agreed that this was something to approach gradually after I started feeling like I was over the initial sleep deprivation issues.

Then the interesting part happened.  I met with the DME person about reordering supplies via mail order.  And she recommended that I come in to have my CPAP pressure re-evaluated if I gained or lost more than 15-20 pounds.  Keep in mind that she had not been privy to my earlier conversation with the doctor. Nor was she aware that I had been very strongly contemplating following some friends along on a weight loss challenge to lose 10% body weight in a 6 month period.  As ashamed as I am to admit it, a 10% weight loss would indeed push me over that 20 pound threshold.

So, I made a decision right there that I was going to do that challenge (though I won't join in on the "bet" portion and put money in it) and make a concerted effort to lose 10% of my body weight by December 1st.  And I had the receptionist schedule my follow-up appointment reminder for 6 months from now, rather than one year.

I have explained the situation and my desire to Brian, and he is totally on board with it.  We are going to start right after the Memorial Day holiday with eating cleaner, fresher foods (greatly minimizing if not eliminating the processed stuff and dining out a lot less).  I will also be tracking food and working harder at portion control.  I will also be starting a more structured exercise routine.  Even if I can't do much at first, I will do what I can and gradually build up my stamina and ability.  I don't expect us to be 100% perfect (for example, I don't intend to even try to "diet" when in Mexico, or when we are on our overnight cruise), but we are going to give this a very strong effort.

Yay for both of us!

Oh, and here's a random picture of my engagement ring.  Just because it makes me smile.  Tee hee!

Camping with a CPAP

Okay, so it's been a while since my last blog post.  This is actually a good thing, I think, because it means I've been busy with other stuff and thinking about other things, and not feeling the need to do so much "writing as therapy".  So ... yay!!!

 

Last weekend I took my first camping trip with the CPAP machine.  I was a bit nervous about the whole thing, wondering whether it would be a problem, and whether it would all work as well it had been working at home since acquiring the Vader Mask.  I purchased a $300 CPAP battery from an on-line source, and even paid the extra for expedited shipping to make sure I got it before we left.  I made sure I had all the parts together, and charged it up the night before we started our very long drive.

Night #1 was an "on the road" night, and we stayed in a motel in Crescent City.  Everything went beautifully, and I think I got the best night's sleep I've had in a very, very long time.  According to FitBit, I had over 7 hours of restful sleep.  It was glorious.

Night #2 ... yeah ... not so much ...

After a long day of driving, setting up the tent in the rain, and a rather incomplete dinner (Explanation: We ended up getting invited to join my parents at their friends' rental house for dinner.  No one thought to tell me that the main course was pasta, none of which I can eat, until we were actually sitting down.  So I ate some salad, and cheese, and a little meat sauce, and way too much wine for the "meal" I had consumed.  Yeah ... not good.), I was pretty wiped out and ready to go to bed.

And then it happened.  I set up the CPAP and the battery, went to plug in the DC connector, and ...

It. Didn't. Fit.

Three nights we are planning to be there, sleeping out in the wild, and I have no way to access the machine that has finally allowed me to get a decent night's sleep and feel like a human being again.

Fuck.  Fuckety fuckety fuck fuck FUCK!

Not being in the best mental/emotional state to start with, I started to cry.  Unfortunately, Brian was equally tired and frustrated (having also had to deal with setting up in the rain, as well as having our air mattress pump crap out on us midway through inflating our mattress so that he had to finish blowing it up manually, and was also suffering from some digestive issues from drinking too much cream in his coffees throughout the day), and therefore his response was really not what I needed at the time.

Commence major meltdown.

About a half an hour or so later, Brian was able to pry me out of the car and back into the tent, where I climbed into bed with him, and spent the next 2 hours listening to the rain on my tent and Brian's snoring, and trying in vain to fall asleep (even though I knew it would be crappy, non-restorative sleep).  But nope, it wasn't happening.  Not at all, not even close. Meanwhile, I'm getting colder, and the wet air is making me feel damp and miserable, and the bottom sheet isn't staying on the bed, so I'm there laying awake on a cold plastic air mattress feeling more and more panicked at the thought of having to do this for three whole days. I contemplated going across the road to where my parents were, and asking them if there was some way I could use the power in their trailer to operate my CPAP machine, but I really didn't want to wake them up for something I wasn't even sure they could help with.  So I just lay there and suffered.

At one point, I gave up and got out of bed and went to sit in my car.  I couldn't even do internet surfing on my phone, since I had no connectivity whatsoever.  I did write a long diatribe in the "Notes" section of my iPhone about how much I hated my life at that moment.  I will not publish said rant.  Suffice it to say, I got quite a bit of the frustration out.  I tried turning on the heater in the car, but realized about 30 seconds later that the rest of the camp didn't need to be kept awake by my car running.  I also missed the raccoons rampaging through the camp, which is just as well.  When the raccoons came, Brian also came out to bring me back in to the tent again.  He thought maybe there was a bear in camp.  I was really cold at this point, and figured it was better to be in the bed with his body heat, even if I couldn't sleep.  I think I may have dozed fitfully for a few minutes at a time until the sun came up, and Brian took off to go use the restroom.

He must have run into my dad in the men's bathroom, or coming back from it, because I heard them talking, and shortly thereafter Brian was coming in to the tent with an extension cord.  Yep, we had access to 110 power in the campsite the whole time.

D'oh!

So I plugged in, and hooked myself up, and went back to sleep for another 3 hours or so.  Huzzah!  Not my best feeling morning ever, but I was at least functional.  Was even better after another hour's worth of nap that afternoon.

Needless to say, the next two nights were much better.  It also stopped raining, and I fixed the bottom sheet so that it would stay on the bed.

So, yeah.  Camping with a CPAP.  Not so bad, actually.  I still have the battery, and am getting the right cord this time.  I'm still planning to go to a couple camping and SCA events this summer, so I don't think the $300 was a complete waste, though I did have to pay again for the second cord, and obviously the expedited shipping fee was completely unnecessary  Oh well.

Oh yeah, and at the end of the weekend, on the last night?  Brian got down on one knee in front of my parents and 215 other people and proposed.  Right here, at this very site. It was pretty epic.

Looking forward to more camping and fun adventures with my fiancée this summer.  And yes, we are totally going back to Gualala next year.  And every year after that ... :)

Just call me Lady Vader!

Yep, that's me!

So ... after almost two weeks of struggling to adjust to the nasal pillow and chin strap combination, I finally gave up.  The whole contraption was uncomfortable, hurt my nose, kept slipping out of place, and just basically wasn't working.  Also, as much as I hate to admit it for many reasons, the truth is, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut during sleep.  Rendering any type of nasal-only mask pretty much useless.

Hence ... the Vader Mask.

Alas, it doesn't do cool sound effects, nor does it drop my voice by two octaves.  Now THAT would be pretty awesome.  But no.  What it does seem to be doing, however, is allowing me to get sufficient airflow during the night to stop having apnea/hypopnea events.  Which means I'm starting to get some decent sleep.

HALLELUJAH!!!!!

I've only had it for a few days, but so far I'm much happier.  Despite my initial misgivings about comfort, I'm finding the full face mask to be a lot more comfortable than the nasal pillows.  Only problem is the drool.  Yes, I drool in my sleep.  A lot, actually.  And having my drool pool up in my mask each night and gather on the corners of my mouth instead of soaking into the pillowcase like I'm used to is kind of disgusting.  But it is a small price to pay, and I'm more than willing to pay it.

Grossed out yet?

But seriously, I am definitely starting to notice a difference.  I'm far from being "better", but I feel an improvement.  Granted, I haven't been able to take full advantage of any ability to sleep more due to my schedule change, having started rehearsals for Urinetown this past week.  So I'm still tired.  But it's better.  I'm getting a little of my mental clarity back.  I have more energy and stamina.  On Wednesday, I took a 3.5 mile hike, and it felt great!  I'm dreaming again, in much longer stretches.  All good stuff.

I'm actually amazingly grateful that the improvements started when they did, considering that I've started rehearsing another show.  I don't think I could have made it through another rehearsal period feeling the way I did.  I barely made it through Man of La Mancha.  Truth be told, I feel really bad about how that ended up.  I know I didn't do as good a job as I wanted to on that show, nor did I enjoy it as much as I could have.  My poor castmates and the production team probably had no idea what was going on with me (okay, a few did), or why I was a sobbing emotional wreck throughout the process, or why I would have to go into the dressing room to put my head down on the makeup counter and "rest" during intermission instead of socializing with the rest of the cast.  I hope some day I can make it up to all of them.

I'm also still extremely sensitive to noise while sleeping.  Even with the 5mg of Ambien that I take every night.  This makes me very sad.  However, I'm still hoping that as my sleep improves, that part will go away.  Because I can't wear earplugs, especially not with the CPAP mask.  It physically hurts my ears.  And noise-cancelling headphones are not comfortable for sleeping in.  Not to mention I'd be afraid of sleeping through my morning alarm.  So I will keep hoping on that one.  But tonight will probably be another solo slumber night for me, because last night was good for snuggles, but not so good for sleep.  I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, a million times hate having to choose between the two of them.

So for now, I must continue to be patient, and just let the healing happen.  That is admittedly hard for me.  Once I get the sleep problem under control, I really need to start on a structured weight loss and exercise program.  I am not at all happy with myself in that regard.  However, I am also wise enough to know that it will be more beneficial to me to take one challenge on at a time.  Not to say I can't work on increasing my exercise in little ways, and making smarter food choices.  I can and I will.  But the bigger effort needs to wait a little longer.

I will learn patience if it kills me ...

100 Days of Healing

You know all those "100 Days of Happiness" posts and hashtags going around Facebook?  Yeah, well, this is going to be my version of that.  Because, truth be told, I was starting to get kind of irritated with seeing them all over the place.  Not that I begrudge anyone for making the effort to be happy, or finding joy in the little things.  I'm just not in that place right now, and it's difficult for me to feel like it is being thrown in my face all the time.  So I'm creating my own version.

Okay, that was funny.  I went to look up an image to post for the "100 Happy Days" thing, and the site I found with pictures also put links to all the cast members of the TV show "Happy Days".  LOL!!!

Anyway ... 100 Days of Healing.  And yes, I guess that means I am prepared for it to possibly take that long.  Maybe longer.  But for the next 100 days I will try to treat myself with gentleness, and not push myself beyond reasonable limits, and listen to my body when it is tired, or sleepy, or just needs to slow down or stop for a while.  And tell myself that this is okay. That it is all part of the healing process. And stop beating myself up for not being as energetic and active as I used to be.  Not to say I won't try and stretch myself when it feels right.  But I think I know the difference between "stretch" and "push".  "Push" is what I did at Norwescon; tried to do too much too soon. Which is why I ended up crashing before 10pm on Saturday night.  Not good.

I do feel like I'm making a little progress.  According to FitBit, I am sleeping longer stretches and more "restful" hours.  I'm able to tolerate the CPAP a little more each night.  I still feel very tired, but it is a different kind of tired.  A less desperate tired, if that makes any sense.  And I feel like I'm getting some of my mental clarity back.  Not to mention a little more "Honey Badger" attitude.  All good things.

Yep, short blog post tonight.  I'm feeling really tired, and will probably be going to bed soon.  Yep, that's me, early to bed on a Friday night.  But that is okay, because it's all part of the 100 Days of Healing.  I had a nice little early date with my sweetheart at our favorite Geek and Nerd Tavern, and I'm quite content.

I'm a magical rainbow farting unicorn!

Okay, I'm not exactly sure why I am so obsessed with the concept of rainbow farting and/or pooping unicorns.  But I am.  It's all Lance's fault.  When in doubt, blame the tenor, right? 

I'm also a little bit unnerved by how many different images one can pull up by doing a simple search of "unicorn farting rainbows".  Yes, I typed that in a search engine.  Okay, I actually typed as far as "unicorn fart" and the Bing search came up with "unicorn farting rainbows" all on its own.

I think the most disturbing, however, was the unicorn puking a rainbow while being ridden by Adolf Hitler brandishing a sword.

Who makes this stuff up, anyway?

Okay ... so, moving on ...

The whole reason behind my Facebook page being inundated with images of unicorns pooping and/or farting rainbows is an attempt to cheer me out of a continued low mood.  And, naturally, the low mood is because I'm still struggling with my sleep.  I really expected to feel better by now.  I definitely expected to have gotten used to the CPAP and be sleeping through the night by now.  And I'm not.  This upsets me.  A lot.

Yes, the Ambien is helping.  I'm only taking 5mg at night, and not the full 10mg.  And it helps me to drop off, but I guess I was expecting more.  I still wake up throughout the night.  I still can't sleep through Brian's snoring.  And I am anything but adjusted to the CPAP and the mask. 

But I think the worst part is that I have developed a conscious anxiety about going to sleep.  I actually dread having to go to bed now, even if I am super tired.  I'm not sure how this happened.  I used to love going to bed.  It was one of my favorite parts of the day.  I used to love taking naps, when I needed to and had the time.  I found them wonderfully refreshing.  Now all I can associate sleep with is discomfort (from the CPAP mask), frustration (from not being able to fall asleep or stay asleep easily), and failure (from being unable to achieve the goal of said sleep, which is getting some good rest).  Hence the anxiety.

I hate my body so much for failing me this way.  I hate myself for still needing to ask Brian to sleep in the other room most of the time.  I hate myself even more because I can't even be fair about it and take my turns getting out of bed and moving to the guest room, because I'm tethered to that damned machine.

Truth be told, I now understand why so many people refuse to use a CPAP even when they have severe sleep apnea.  I'd have given up by now myself if I didn't feel so lousy, and wasn't experiencing such a dramatic decline in my quality of life due to sleep deprivation.  I just don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to wait for the "feeling better" part of this whole treatment to happen.  It's like I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and it turned out to be a freaking train that smashed into me and ran me over a dozen times.

I also find myself resentful of people who can just drop off to sleep with no problem, and sleep away for 8, 10, 12 hours at a time with no effort whatsoever.  I think I would sell my firstborn child for that ability, if I had one.  Or perhaps my soul.  Again, if I had one.  The whole redhead thing, you know.  What this means is I find myself resenting people I love.  But I can't just turn off that feeling like throwing a switch.  I wish I could.  I know it is irrational, but I can't stop feeling it.  Kind of like other irrational feelings I have that I wish I could turn off.  But I probably shouldn't get in to that now ...

Okay, time for another farting unicorn picture!

Today I finally broke down and called the sleep clinic to talk about my mask, and whether maybe I should try a different one.  Despite the chin strap that is supposed to "train" me to not breathe through my mouth, I still find myself doing so unconsciously in my sleep.  I also talk in my sleep on occasion.  Both of which causes me to break the seal on my CPAP nasal mask, which in turn wakes me up.  I explained this to the tech, and she agreed that maybe I should try a full face mask.  I am not looking forward to this.  I'm also not sure how much more adjustment I will need to be able to follow my natural sleeping patterns of falling asleep curled up on my side, and then rolling on to my back and switching positions multiple times throughout the night.  It seems to me all these masks were designed only for people who sleep quiet and still on their backs in a single position throughout the night.  And who does that, really?  Not me, that's for sure.  And I'll probably need to up my Ambien dosage just to get through the claustrophobic anxiety of having my whole face covered with a breathing apparatus.  Yuck.  As I said, NOT looking forward to this. 

My appointment is on Monday.  In the meantime, I'll keep on with the nasal pillows I have, trying as best I can to get adjusted to sleeping with the machine.  And trying to get over my "going to bed" anxiety.  And trying to be as loving a partner as I possibly can to Brian, while we both work through all this crap.  What more can I do?

Other than perfecting the art of farting rainbows, that is?

Impatience ... or Nobody's Bride

Did anyone catch the reference in the title?  If you're a true Gilbert & Sullivan fan, you should.  :)

No, this blog post is not about my whining about being "always the bridesmaid, never the bride".  Truth be told, I'm not even bridesmaid material any more.  Too old.  And to be perfectly honest, not all that interested.  Been there, done that, had a great time but really don't need to go there again.  If I ever do get married again, I don't even want my own bridesmaids.  I don't want a traditional wedding party at all.  It will be my family standing up with me, or I'll stand up for myself, or I'll just pick whoever has the coolest costume to stand up with me.  Whatever ...

But no, this blog isn't about my not getting married (even though it is true that I am not, not in the near future anyway).  It is, however, about my not having any patience.  And yes, it is a whine.  I ate a lot of cheese earlier, so please don't ask me if I want cheese with that.  I've already eaten plenty.  Unless you have brie.  I'll always take brie.  Or camembert.

So I'm still struggling with the whole "When do I start feeling better?" and "When do I start getting my energy back?" and even "When do I get to sleep through the night with a CPAP like it's no big deal?"  I'm so tired of this.  I feel so alone, like no one understands, like I have no one I can talk to about any of this.  Even though I know that isn't true, I still feel this way. 

Even worse, I am mind-bogglingly, almost painfully jealous of anyone who can drop right off to sleep without a struggle.  Who can stay asleep for hours on end.  Who can wake up feeling refreshed.  I'm so jealous of these people I want to scream.  Or cry. Or throw things.  Or all three.  I hate myself and my body and my mind so much for being so flawed.  Which leads me down other unpleasant rabbit holes about being so flawed that I am not good enough and not wanted and not worthy.

I think you see where I'm going with this.

Okay, so on another topic, I'm also super annoyed with my insurance company right now.  Why, you ask?  Because I need a rechargeable battery for my CPAP device so that I can take the thing camping.  I've found a few on-line sources, and the prices run around $300.  But a rechargeable CPAP battery is not covered by insurance (any insurance, not just my specific policy), because it is considered a "luxury item".  Now, can I afford $300?  Of course I can.  That isn't the point.  Nor is it the point that I think my insurance company should subsidize my desire to go camping.  They don't need to do that.  However, what really ticks me off is that a rechargeable battery is not just for people with Obstructive Sleep Apnea who have made lifestyle choices that include sleeping out doors in a tent in the middle of nature away from electrical power sources.  It is also a valuable backup source for one's CPAP during a power outage.  Something completely beyond the control of the OSA sufferer.  And yet, having access to one's prescribed medical device that is necessary to treat a diagnosed medical condition during an unplanned and uncontrollable power outage is considered a "luxury" to insurance providers.

WTF?

Okay, rant over.

Ugh!  I just don't know what to do any more.  I'm feeling extremely low right now, both physically and emotionally.  Despite my having gotten a pretty good night's sleep with the CPAP last night, and about an hour nap (also with CPAP) this afternoon.  I'm just feeling all the feels, and the feels aren't happy ones.  I don't know if that is a normal part of the healing process either, or if I'm not healing at all or what.  Bleh!

Oh, yeah, and my continuing internet research has yielded me more information, and I'm now pretty convinced that in addition to mild sleep apnea, I might also have Upper Airway Resistance Syndrome.  Which basically means that my airway narrows to the point where breathing is difficult enough to wake me from sleep, but not enough to register as an apneic or hypopnic event on a standard sleep study.  It would actually explain a lot of my sleep study results, and why I feel so crappy with such a low AHI score. And for this particular sleep disorder, I do fit the profile, as UARS is more common among younger women.  And it is often found along side low or borderline sleep apnea polysomnography results, as well as being more connected to insomnia (both onset insomnia and maintenance insomnia, both of which I suffer from).  I will definitely be talking about this with my doctor at my next appointment.  Granted, most of the medical articles on UARS indicate the same treatment as for OSA, so he probably won't do much about it.  I guess I'll just keep on trying with the CPAP. 

I have a feeling a different style mask is going to be in my near future.  This does not make me happy, but I'd rather have something more intrusive and uncomfortable that works well.  And if what works best and allows me the best sleep is a full face mask, then so be it.  I'm just not sure how long I keep trying with the nasal pillows before giving up on them.  And how long I need to wait before calling the DME people at the sleep center to get something else to try.

Yeah, I don't think I'll be changing my blog name any time soon ... :(

Norwescon 37

So, this weekend was Norwescon.  For those not "in the know", that is a huge Science Fiction & Fantasy convention held each year at the Doubletree Hotel in SeaTac, WA.  And of more significance to me, it is the event where, two years ago, I met my beloved Brian.  So we have decided to go every year to celebrate the anniversary of our meeting.  It is also a good excuse to get our geek on, and have a good time with other geeks and see friends and meet new people and party and all kinds of other fun stuff.

This year was ... interesting.  I definitely had a good time, as did Brian. We did not stay in the main hotel, but rather a slightly less expensive one across the street.  They used to have parties and things over there as well, but due to some remodeling in the lobby area, are no longer able to do so.  I don't think we will stay over there again.  The question remains as to whether we will be willing, in future years, to spend the money on a hotel room at all, when the convention is 10 minutes from the Farmhouse. 

But all in all, it was a fun weekend.  We got to see people we like to hang out with in a much less stressful and drama-filled atmosphere than we have had a chance recently.  There was definitely a lot less tension than I've felt at a Con in the last year and a half, and that was nice.  Really nice, actually. I got a chance to do a little cosplaying, as I ran around in my pulled-together-at-the-last-minute gypsy costume. That was even nicer, being able to throw together a costume without spending any money, that was good enough that strangers wanted to take my picture in the hallway.  I became Facebook friends with the Black Pope (woo hoo!), and hung out with a pirate captain and some friends of his (y'all know my weakness for pirates ...)  And Brian and I got to enjoy a lovely breakfast in the same hotel lobby restaurant where we had our first breakfast date.  Yeah, I'm a sucker for nostalgic tradition like that.

The biggest triumph for me, though, was the fact that I finally felt accepted by a particular social group for who Brian and I are, and liked for who we are, rather than just being "guested in" because Brian happens to share DNA with a prominent member of that social circle.  That may not have actually ever been the case, or hadn't for a long time, but this weekend I finally really felt it.  And it felt really good.

So why, you may be asking, am I babbling on about a Sci-Fi/Fantasy con on my SleepyKitty blog?  What in the world does this have to do with my experiences with sleep apnea and my journey back to health?

Well, to be frank, despite the fun I had and the great people I met and the bonding I was able to do with friends, I feel horribly disappointed in the weekend as a whole.  Weekend Con badges and two nights in an airport area hotel aren't cheap, and I don't really feel like I got good value for what we spent.  And the reason I feel this way is because I never really felt well enough or energetic enough to get everything out of Con that I wanted to.

Maybe my initial expectations were too high, but somehow I expected to be feeling so much better by now.  I thought I would take to the CPAP right off and be sleeping like a normal person right away.  And that has not happened.  Granted, I haven't had a night as bad as night #1.  The second night I took 10mg of Ambien, and slept for about 6 hours with the CPAP.  But then after those 6 hours, I was too uncomfortable, and had to take it off.  The next night I think I made it 4 hours (only 5mg of Ambien that night), before taking it off.  Last night I could only tolerate it for 5-10 minutes, so I slept my normal interrupted sleep the full night.  No Ambien at all, due to the rather large quantity of Kraken rum I'd consumed earlier.  Yeah, that wasn't one of my better decisions, but it could have definitely been worse.

However, even with several hours of CPAP assisted sleep, I seem to run out of energy so fast, feeling icky and tired and just wanting to crawl into a hole.  I can't help wondering if this is normal, or if the apnea isn't really the cause to my ailments, and there isn't something else more seriously wrong with me.  And if that is the case, am I going to have to go through the whole weary round of finding doctors and getting tests and figuring out exactly what that is.  I seriously feel like I'm back at square one, not sure whether there is going to be any relief for me, or whether I just have to resign myself to feeling this way and having extremely limited energy.  I don't know.  I'm probably just doing the "Anxiety Girl" thing again.

But seriously, when does the whole "feeling better" thing start happening?  Will I ever catch up on the sleep debt, and have energy for more than a few short hours at a time?  Will I ever be able to sleep a full 8 hours straight without the assistance of a powerful sedative?

Ugh! So frustrating!  Oh well, I suppose I just have to give it time ...

"Sleeping" with a CPAP - Night #1

So ... yeah ... my first night with a CPAP.  I was more than a little nervous, but determined to do everything the doctor and the DME tech said to give this rather odd piece of equipment a try.  I read the manual, made sure I had everything all prepped and ready to go, got in to bed at a nice decent hour. I think it was around 9:45pm by the time I had hooked myself up and settled in.  Turned the machine on, hit the "ramp" button, and let Brian tuck me in and kiss me goodnight.  He had the sweetest, most loving and hopeful expression on his face and in his voice.  It was almost heartbreaking.  I then settled in (taking a couple of OTC sleep aids just to help that little bit more), waiting for the magical unicorns to carry me off to my first decent night's sleep in close to a year.

Not. Even. Close.

While I can't say that last night was the worst night in my 44 years on this planet, I'm pretty sure it was in the Top 10.  Right up there among food poisoning and/or stomach flu, pain so bad from a neck injury that I couldn't move without waking up and wanting to scream, and the time I got into a middle of the night fight with my loving partner and he walked out without speaking a word leaving me awake for the next 36 hours certain that he was never coming back.

Yeah, that good.

The machine didn't hurt me, nor did I feel any sense of claustrophobia at first.  It felt kind of strange, but I was certain if I could just get to sleep, I wouldn't notice the odd air pressure blowing into my nostrils.  But no matter what I did, I could not fall asleep.  I lay on my back, curled up on my side, rolled over to the other side, spread out my arms and legs ... nothing.  I think I may have managed to doze fitfully for 5-10 minutes some time around 11:30pm.  And with each sleepless minute, the machine with it's breathing pressure kept feeling more and more odd.  More and more oppressive. More and more suffocating.  I was certain my headgear was slipping, or my chin strap wasn't tight enough, or too tight, or something, so I kept repositioning it.  I was sure the thing was leaking air, or blowing it in the wrong place, or just plain malfunctioning.  I couldn't even talk, or moan, or cry, without the whole pressure system going nuts and disrupting itself.

And moan and cry I did.  I wanted to sleep, goddammit!  Why wasn't I able to fall asleep?  Isn't that what this fucking machine was supposed to help me do?

Finally my strangled attempts at sobs were heard by Brian, who came into the room to help me.  I found his presence extremely comforting.  He held my hand, and stroked my hair, and finally helped me sit up so that I could re-adjust my mask and everything.  He lay down beside me to snuggle, as that will often help calm me into a more restful mode.  Nope.  Nothing.  I even had him get me one of my leftover Vicodin, hoping that, on top of the Benadryl, would knock me out.  I tried sitting up and reading, in the hopes that I'd get sleepy enough to just nod off.  Nope.  Lay back down and tried putting my eye pillow over my eyes in the hopes that would help (it often does, especially when I'm being kept awake by a headache).  Nope.  Though I'll admit it did provide a humorous moment as I accidentally turned on one of my "adult toys" in my nightstand while reaching for said eye pillow, and then had to frantically dig to find it while simultaneously reassuring Brian that the odd buzzing noise was not my CPAP suddenly gone haywire.

So there I lay, sleepless, focusing on breathing in and out to the unnatural pressure of the CPAP machine, as the clock ticked past midnight, past 12:30am, approaching the 1:00am hour.  Meanwhile, I kept thinking about the 7:00am conference call that I had scheduled in order to get some final resolution on a critical project that my manager was already getting impatient to have a final result on.  I needed to get some decent sleep in order to do my job effectively.  My mind started going into a panic about all the things I needed to do, and couldn't do effectively without sleep, and all of the potential consequences if I couldn't get things done.  The CPAP started feeling more and more oppressive.  I couldn't control my breathing any more.  I was heading really fast into full blown anxiety and panic.

And then it happened.  I don't think I've ever had an honest to god panic attack before, but I'm pretty sure this was one of them.  I was convinced I was going to die, right then and there.  I ripped the headgear and mask off my face, threw it to the ground and ran out of my bedroom screaming.  No, seriously, running and screaming.  FitBit even registered it as an "active minute".  And by screaming, I'm talking every ounce of vocal power available to a classically trained operatic soprano, emitting out of my lungs and hurling through my vocal folds at top pitch and volume.  At 1:00 in the morning.  On a weeknight.  After which I threw myself on my hands and knees onto the hardwood floors of the living room and bawled my eyes out.  No, not just sobbed this time, but bawled. I'm pretty sure it included some begging of a higher deity to take me then and put me out of my misery.

Brian told me I should expect at the very least a neighbor or two coming by to see who had been murdered, but more likely, a visit from the King County Sherriff's Office.  So far, that hasn't happened.  He also offered to take me to the closest ER, either to get a sleep aid prescription or check myself in as a mental health inpatient.  I'm still contemplating that last one.  A padded cell and tranquilizers sound pretty damned good right now.

And I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the look of utter helplessness and despair on Brian's face.  He was so optimistic.  So certain that I was going to take to the CPAP like a duck to water, and immediately begin sleeping well again.  It must have been something I did wrong.  And not only did I ruin my sleep, I ruined his as well.  I'm not sure if I could hate myself any more than I do at this very moment.

After adding to the sleep induction cocktail of my night a half-shot of rum (Kraken, of course), mixed in with a cup of throat coat tea to soothe the raspy raw pain that had become my throat, I started to calm down enough to fall asleep on the couch about 30 minutes later.  Shortly afterward to be woken up by Brian's snoring.  I managed to drag myself off the couch and stagger off to the bedroom for another few hours of my typical crappy, interrupted sleep.  I think I might have managed 2 hours of total slumber for the night. 

So much for the miracle sleep cure of the CPAP machine.

And that 7:00am call?  Yeah, I made it.  It did not go well.  Thank goodness for understanding colleagues who don't necessarily freak out when you lose it and start to cry on a conference call.  Thanks even more to an understanding manager who did not take this as an indication of my total and utter incompetence, not to mention refuses to let me move to New Zealand to become a sheep herder.  No, really, I had a coworker who got so stressed out in her job last year that she moved to New Zealand.  I don't think she is raising sheep though.  That was my addition.  What can I say?  I like sheep.  And lambs.  Mmmmmm ... tasty, tasty lambs ...  But no, really, my boss is so amazingly awesome.  She actually had to make me log off my work computer and told me to go take care of myself.  Granted, she also wants in on the whole sheep-raising venture.  For the wool, to spin and knit with.  I have so many friends I could hook her up with ...

And now, I'm kind of in a panic as to what to do.  I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep because of the apnea.  But I can't use the CPAP for the apnea, because it freaks me out and gives me panic attacks. I'm supposed to be spending the weekend at Norwescon (a SciFi/Fantasy convention held in Seattle over Easter weekend every year -- remember the whole "I'm a nerd" thing in Blog Post #1?)  But I honestly don't know what is going to happen to me if I try to do my whole CPAP acclimation thing in a hotel room.  I think I have a whole hour before I can cancel my hotel reservation without paying a penalty.

On top of all that, I have become that annoying "squeaky wheel" patient who calls her doctor on every little issue and calls back every 2 hours if she doesn't get a decent response.  I never thought I'd be *that* patient.  On the up side, this "squeaky wheel" did finally manage to get a prescription for Ambien.  In fact, that just now happened, as I was typing this blog post.  My last phone call at 4:30pm managed to get through.  Hallelujia!

Pray for me that it all works tonight.

Follow up appointment update

Or, as Brian referred to it this morning, today is CPAP Day!  Yay!  I guess ...

So, yeah, today was my follow up appointment with the sleep specialist, as well as the day I got fitted for and took home my CPAP machine.  I was really looking forward to this, as well as being more than a little nervous.  After all, the last time I went through this testing, I was fully expecting a diagnosis and treatment plan, and all I got was a doctor telling me "You're perfectly normal. Just get better sleep."  Not to mention that I've been doing way too much surfing on the internet, reading horror stories about all the patients who took months to adjust to their CPAP machines, or never did acclimate, and just stopped using them and tolerating the symptoms, or of people who were 100% compliant with CPAP therapy and still got no, or very little relief.

Remember me?  The one who immediately imagines everything that could possibly go wrong in any given situation, and then automatically assumes that the worst will happen?  Yep ... I am ...

But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself ...

I suppose I'll start with the good news.  The doctor did not, as I partially feared, recant the initial diagnosis and tell me I was just fine.  I do, in fact, have sleep apnea. 

However, the test results were not at all what I was expecting.  According to the test results, my apnea is actually considered "mild".  My AHI (apnea hypopnea index - the number of times per hour one either stops breathing or breathing is diminished significantly enough to interrupt sleep) is only an 8.  Most of which are hypopnea (reduced breathing) events, and not actual apnea.  Any score over 5 is considered positive for sleep apnea.  Anything between 5 and 20 is considered "mild".  20-40 is "moderate" and over 40 is "severe".  And my score is a piddly little 8.

WTF?

I had to ask the doctor about that.  Why was I feeling so lousy, and my life completely turned upside down by not being able to get a decent night's sleep no matter what I did with such a mild case of sleep apnea?  Why was I completely unable to function and showing all the signs and symptoms of chronic and excessive sleep deprivation?  What the hell is the matter with me? Is there something else that is really wrong and causing all these symptoms? Is the CPAP even going to do anything for me? How long before I know anything?

Apparently, I'm not the only patient he's had who has experienced this kind of result.  He told me that first off, my body reactions to even mild sleep apnea is not all that uncommon, and he has seen similar, and sometimes even more extreme, symptoms in other patients with a similar score.  I hope he wasn't saying that just to humor me.  He also said that the home sleep studies often give off false negatives and artificially low API scores, and he doesn't like to recommend them unless the insurance company insists on doing a home study first.  Okay, I'm a little more pacified by that response.  Especially since, really, the end result would be the same in terms of diagnosis and treatment.

I also did something I am extremely reluctant to do. I asked for a medical release note so that I would not have to do any business travel for the next few weeks as I adjusted to the CPAP and attempted to make up for some of the sleep deprivation.  You see, yesterday, I got an invite to an on-site meeting in Minneapolis that is happening in a week and a half.  And I panicked, thinking there was no way I was going to be able to handle that so soon into my treatment, and had terrifying flashbacks to the meeting I attended in February when I had the full-on anxiety attack and broke into hives.  (By the way, as it turned out, I was sent the invite in error.) So I asked, and he agreed that was a totally reasonable request to not have to subject myself to jet lag on top of the rest of my sleep issues.  I am hoping I don't have to use it, and that I will be once again well rested and back to my able self in time for the meeting in Florida I need to attend in May.

After I left the doctor, I met with the DME specialist to get my CPAP and get fitted for a mask.  She was very nice, and showed me how to work it and how to clean it, and everything I need to do to stay compliant with my treatment plan so that my insurance plan will pay for everything.  That one kind of surprised me, all the ways she showed me that the machine would know when I was trying to fool it into thinking it was being used (e.g. blowing air without putting on the mask).  I don't understand why someone would do that.  Seriously, this makes no sense to me.  If you have a condition that is keeping you from getting sleep, and making you feel so wretched, why would anyone want to pretend to be compliant with a treatment plan?  Still scratching my head on that one.

Then we got to the mask fittings.  Her recommendation was to try the least "invasive" mask style first, which was the nasal pillows.  I did let her know that I tend to breathe out of my mouth, especially when sleeping, knowing that might make a difference in the type of mask given.  She showed me the full face mask (the "Vader", as many of my friends call it). I really didn't like that at all.  She still wanted to recommend a nose-only mask, with a chin strap to keep my mouth shut.  This seemed like a better option to me.  So I tried the nasal pillows and the full nose mask, both in the "ramp up" pressure of 4 and the full starting pressure of 8.  For those who know what the heck that means (fellow CPAPians), mine is an a variable device, adjusting itself based on need between 8 and 12.  It all felt strange.  The full nasal mask was very uncomfortable and even after just a few minutes was starting to irritate my skin.  That decided me on the nasal pillows.  I didn't even want to try the full "Vader" mask if the nose mask was that bad.

So, yeah, nasal pillows, size small (my little nose with it's tiny nostrils), with a lovely lavender head guard.  And a white flexible chin strap to keep my mouth closed.  Oooooh!  Sexy!!

Yep, that's what I'll be looking like when I sleep from now on.  I'll bet Brian has a hard time keeping his hands off me ...

You know, I just realized, that is one question I never asked.  The DME tech told me I should disconnect the hose if I needed to get up to use the restroom, but leave the headgear on.  I didn't ask about what to do in the case I decided to engage in "other" semi-nocturnal activities.  Hmmm ...  I can't be the first person who ever wondered about that.

In any case, I did ask a lot of questions about travel, and camping, and whether I could use this device or if I would want to buy a "travel CPAP".  Both the tech and the doctor advised against the inexpensive travel versions.  Their recommendation was to get a long term rechargeable battery for this one (not covered by insurance, but I don't care), and take it with me on any trips.  I could leave the humidifier component if I wanted to, since that is for comfort only, and doesn't affect the actual air pressure.  Oh, and my TSA learning experience for today? My CPAP doesn't count against my carry on luggage, since it is medical equipment.  Kind of cool.

So, tonight is my first night sleeping with the CPAP.  I'm both excited and scared (yes, "I Know Things Now" from Into The Woods is going through my head now too ...) and hoping for the best.

But you don't look sick ...

Yeah, I know, I couldn't wait until Wednesday.  So sue me ...

But seriously, I feel like I have gotten a better understanding and more empathy for people who suffer from "invisible illnesses" like lupus and fibromyalgia.  I'm not saying my experience has been equivalent to theirs (it hasn't), but I feel like I now have a closer feel for what they go through on a regular basis.  I definitely have a better understanding of the "spoon theory" (see link below).

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Lately, I feel like someone keeps taking my spoons, one by one.  I used to have a whole drawer full of them, and I could do so much.  I could get up, go to the office, work all day, go to the gym for 2 hours, make dinner, and do a few chores around my apartment.  Now, I'm lucky if I can do two of those things in any given day.  Where did all my spoons go?

But I don't look or sound sick. So I must be exaggerating my fatigue, right?

Sorry.  Today was a hard day.  After being so active yesterday, and feeling so good (albeit tired), I think I may have allowed myself to think I'd be feeling better today.  That maybe the exercise and fresh air actually would tire me out to the point of being able to sleep better.  Someone even said as much on my Facebook page. I won't lie, it made me cry when I read it, since that person was someone I expected to have more understanding of the situation. It made me cry even harder today, when I was struggling to get through the last couple hours of my work day.

I've gotten to the point where I am actually paying someone to do the housework that I don't have the energy to do anymore.  Granted, she does a phenomenal job, and her rates are super reasonable, and I actually love being able to help my friends out financially by hiring them to do things for me that I need done.  On the other hand, it makes me feel like a failure, that I can't even do the simplest things that a homeowner should be able to do.

Damn spoons!  Who keeps stealing them?  I think I will blame Dale.  Dale is the ghost of the original owner of this house.  No, really, my house has a friendly ghost.  He comes in on occasion and hides my stuff just to mess with me.  He is quite good at it too.  Often I won't find my things for weeks, sometimes months.  That's it.  Dale is stealing my metaphorical spoons.  I don't think he likes our color scheme ...

What I've learned on the internet ...

Yes, the internet is really, really great.  And not just for porn.  Ever since Monday, I've been doing a lot of internet research on sleep apnea (remember the whole thing in post #1 about having no energy to do anything but read and surf the internet?).  And I'm pretty sure my brain is going to explode before I have my follow up appointment on Wednesday.

However, a lot of it has been very eye opening, and is reinforcing the notion that I am not crazy, or weak willed, or just lazy and trying to make up excuses for not wanting to do things.  This is very important to me.  I don't want to be one of those people who just gives up on life at the first little sign of adversity, and frankly, that's exactly what I felt like I was doing.  I had no idea the effects long term sleep deprivation could have on a person's mind and body.  Now I do.  And it is mind boggling.

Taken from WebMD (yes, I use them often as a resource):

 

In the long term, the clinical consequences of untreated sleep disorders are large indeed. They are associated with numerous, serious medical illnesses, including:

• High blood pressure
• Heart attack
• Heart failure
• Stroke
• Obesity
• Psychiatric problems, including depression and other mood disorders
• Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
• Mental impairment
• Fetal and childhood growth retardation
• Injury from accidents
• Disruption of bed partner's sleep quality
• Poor quality of life

Oh wow, that last one, "poor quality of life".  Understatement of the year, in my case.

And from another source:

Sleep deprivation can create problems in many areas of the body and the effects will only get worse the longer the person has been denied proper sleep. The body can experience muscle fatigue, pallor of the skin, nausea, muscle tremors, significant weight gain or loss, and a weakened immune system. The eyes may experience blurred vision, dark circles beneath the eyes, color blindness, or involuntary eye ticks.

Sleep deprivation has been known to cause dizziness, fainting, headaches, irritability, and slurred speech. If the lack of sleep continues, memory loss, confusion, loss of concentration, hallucinations, and clinical depression can occur.

The inadequate rest associated with sleep deprivation can impair a person's ability to think, to control their emotions, to react to external stimuli, and to handle everyday stresses.

Hmmm ... sound familiar?

Yeah, even the part about being cold all the time, totally attributable to chronic sleep deprivation.

So since I "announced" my diagnosis (of course I posted it on Facebook ... if I'm going to post a picture of my dinner there, I'm sure as heck going to post something as important as this), I've had a lot of friends come to me to share experiences they have had with sleep apnea, either their own or a partner's.  Most of them have gone the CPAP route and been very pleased with the results.  For some, it took a while to get used to.  I have read some accounts on line where it took several months and multiple readjustments and trying new masks.  However, I know personally people who slept amazingly well for the first time in years the first night with a CPAP.  I'm really, really hoping to be closer to the latter category than the former.

We won't go in to the former "friend" who thought he would "help" by suggesting that all I needed to do was work out harder during the day, and that should allow me to get to sleep just fine, since that helped him so much.  Yeah.  Sometimes I really do wish being stupid was physically painful.  Or at least, saying/writing/doing stupid things.  Might make some people think first.

I've also started tracking my sleep patterns with a FitBit device.  I know this isn't a valid replacement for medical advice, but I do find it interesting.  And I may share it with my doctor, just to get his take on it.  The first night I wore it, it was showing me having had 7.5 hours of restful sleep.  I started laughing hysterically and declaring that FitBit was obviously smoking crack, as I had distinctly remembered waking several times during that night and sure as hell didn't feel 7.5 hours of restful sleep refreshed.  In fact, that night felt about as disrupted and unsatisfying as most other nights of sleep.  Then I learned about the "sensitive" mode.  In "sensitive" mode, I average between 3 and 4 hours of "restful" sleep a night, which feels about right.  Granted, most of those are what FitBit calls "restless", even though I know I am awake and conscious during those periods.  I think you have to actually sit upright or get out of bed for FitBit to register as "awake".  But still, a useful tool.

Okay ... fine ... you caught me.  I'm just obsessed with playing with my new FitBit toy.  I confess.  Though I am looking forward to seeing how my step and activity level improves once I have energy again.  Should be interesting to observe.

Okay, that's it for now.  I may not post until after my appointment on Wednesday.  Then again, I may.  Who knows?  Gotta keep it mysterious for you, right?  :)

I'm not crazy, I just have Sleep Apnea!

Seriously, those were the first words that came out of my mouth when I first got the diagnosis.  Then I just cried for several minutes straight.  But perhaps I should start at the beginning ...

In the spring of 2001, I began having issues with insomnia.  It wasn't particularly concerning, as I was newly wed, working full time in a somewhat stressful position, held a part time permanent gig as a church Cantor, was very active in the local SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism - a medieval reenactment and educational group - yes, I'm a nerd) group, as well as doing some occasional performing with a local community theater group. Nevertheless, I did bring it up with my doctor at my annual well woman visit.  He gave me a prescription for a sleep aid and sent me on my way.  However, a couple months later I noticed that while the insomnia had pretty much resolved itself, I was still feeling unusually tired.  Constantly. I was also having a great deal of trouble keeping off the weight I had lost before the wedding (a considerable amount, actually, over 100 pounds over a 1 1/2 year period). So I saw my doctor about it again.  He thought it was probably just stress from my busy lifestyle, but referred me to a sleep specialist to rule anything out.  The specialist, as per protocol, I'm sure, had me sign up for a sleep study.  She seemed to think my symptoms and weight gain might be the result of sleep apnea.  I actually started feeling hopeful that there might be some medical rationale for my exhaustion, and I might be able to feel better again.  Keep in mind, at the time I had extremely comprehensive insurance (working for the King County government), and it was fully covered, so paying for such an expensive test was not an issue for me at all. 

Three months later (yes, it took that long to get in), I went in to the sleep lab for an overnight study.  They hooked me up with wires and pasted electrodes to my head (yuck!) and put me in the bed for observation.  I slept about as well as one could expect one to sleep, in a strange room in a strange bed with wires and electrodes hooked up to some machine, and a stranger watching you on a camera from the next room.  I don't remember much else except for waking up and having the lab tech ask me how I slept.  I remember telling him "Okay, I guess, though I did wake up a couple times."  And I remember him telling me "More like a couple hundred."  Which I think was more than he was supposed to say, because he wouldn't volunteer any more information than that.  I had to wait a week or so until I had my post-study consultation with the specialist to get more information.

So there I was, going in to my final consultation with the specialist, fully expecting her to tell me I had Sleep Apnea and to give me my treatment options.  To my surprise, though, her first words to me were "There was no sign of apnea in your sleep study.  Everything checked out normal." Really? So the tech was wrong about the couple hundred awakenings?  I didn't actually ask that, though.  I'm afraid I was one of those bad patients who didn't question doctors or ask for a second opinion.  Heck, I'm really not all that much better now.  I'm just more skeptical.  But anyway ... she went on to tell me that she had reviewed by sleep diary, and thought I just needed to be better about how much I slept, and needed a better routine, and that I was probably just one of those people that needed more sleep than the average person.

Great.

So I just resigned myself to being "one of those people who needs more sleep".  And went on with my life.  Lots of changes.  Shortly after the study, I moved from the Seattle area back down to Bakersfield, CA.  Gained all the weight I had lost, and then some.  Moved back to the Seattle area after a year and a half.  Got a new job. Remained active in SCA and theater. Lost another large amount of weight (though not quite as much as pre-wedding; this time was in the 80-pound range). Gained it back, and a little more for good measure. Separated from my husband and moved again (locally this time). Did another 100+ pound weight loss, this time incorporating a rather intense exercise program into the equation. Changed jobs (same company, same department, new position). Fell in love. Bought a house. Moved in with my beloved.  Still remaining active in SCA and very active in theater.  Good stuff, right?

Well, somewhere between "fell in love" and "bought a house", I noticed things starting to change again with my body.  I started having insomnia problems again, and became a lighter sleeper than I ever had been.  And my dear Brian has a snore that would wake the dead. When we were still maintaining separate residences, it was manageable.  I would sleep badly when he spent the night (or the rare occasions when I stayed at his house -- his housemates had cats, and I'm VERY allergic), and kind of catch up on the nights we were apart.  Not ideal, but manageable.  Until we moved in together, that is.

At that point, there was no escaping the snore.  Okay, that's not precisely true.  There was an escape.  A few, actually: the guest room, the living room, the downstairs family room.  But I didn't want a roommate, I wanted a partner and a lover, someone who would snuggle me to sleep every night and whose face would be the first thing I would see every morning.  So I tried everything I could think of.  I tried earplugs, and white noise machines, and every $100+ contraption on the market for Brian to use.  And my sleeping just got worse.  He even went in for surgery to correct the snore, repairing his deviated septum and trimming his elongated uvula.  The nasal surgery was a great success in that Brian is now able to breathe through his nose clearly for the first time in decades.  The UPPP, on the other hand, put him through a lot of pain for very little payoff.  Yes, his snoring was greatly diminished, but it wasn't enough to keep me from sleeping.

Meanwhile, I started exercising a lot less and eating a lot more, and gaining back all the weight I had worked so hard - yet again - to lose. I kept trying to get back in to the routine, but I was so tired I couldn't bring myself to go to the gym when I wasn't working late or rehearsing. And I was so hungry, I couldn't stay on any sort of weight loss plan for more than a couple weeks at a time before the cravings for sweet carb-laden foods would overcome me.  I was having debilitating migraines 2-3 times per month that would last for days. And I noticed my blood pressure, previously normal, had crept up into a constant borderline high to high range on every measurement.

As bad as, if not worse than, the physical symptoms was just the constant and overwhelming fatigue and mental fogginess I was dealing with. I found myself afraid to drive long distances at times because I thought I might fall asleep at the wheel.  I never did, though I did often have to resort to extreme measures such as blasting the A/C in the middle of winter, or slapping myself hard across the face every 20 seconds, to keep me at least somewhat alert.  I would nod off in the middle of conference calls at work, if I wasn't directly engaged in a discussion or presentation.  And I lost all my coping skills.  Every minor setback became a major catastrophe from which I was sure I would never recover, and resulted in wild bursts of sobbing.  At one point I experienced a complete panic attack during a business meeting that I was helping facilitate, when I felt the group was going too far off task and I was not able to bring them back.  I broke out in hives and spent the entirety of a 10 minute break in the ladies room silently crying and hoping no one would hear or see me.  I was wretchedly depressed, and certain that I was losing my mind.  At several points I contemplated checking myself in to an inpatient mental health facility just so that I didn't have to deal with the pressures of the world. I felt like the world's biggest failure, as a partner, as a friend, as an employee, as a performer, and as a member of the human race in general.

Oddly enough, I was still able to win several "bucket list" dream roles in theater during this time, as well as start a small business partnership (taking over 50% of the Christmas caroling company that I'd been singing with for the last 9 years) and getting a promotion at work.

Meanwhile, my ability to sleep was getting worse and worse.  Every little thing would wake me up, and sometimes I'd wake up for no reason at all and not be able to get back to sleep.  It didn't seem to matter where I was, what I did or didn't do before I went to bed, nothing helped.  I couldn't tolerate having Brian spend an entire night with me at all any more.  Sometimes he would come in to bed and snuggle with me until I inevitably kicked him out for snoring too loud.  Sometimes he would just go to bed in the guest room and kiss me goodnight before he went.  I hated having to do this to him, but I couldn't see any other choice.  We both argued a lot about his going in for a final consultation and having the final snore reduction surgery done, this last one being a surgical reshaping of his mouth and airway.  I couldn't decide whether I wanted to spend the money and have him go through more pain, for something that might not be any more successful than the first surgery was.

My friends, trying to be helpful, I know, were full of advice on how I could manage the snoring and my insomnia problems.  Some actually were somewhat helpful, like avoiding computer and smart phone usage right before bed (I was really bad at facebooking from my iPhone as I tried to fall asleep).  But most of it just continued to frustrate me, as it was either useless (being told to "just fall asleep before Brian does and you won't hear the snoring" is completely unhelpful to someone who has trouble falling asleep in the first place, and wakes up at the drop of a hat), or actually harmful (for instance, the many suggestions of taking alcoholic drinks, or using earplugs that hurt my ears).  I felt even more like some sort of hopeless, helpless freak.

During one of many nights when I held on to him, sobbing incessantly, feeling so overwhelmed by life I couldn't take one more minute, he asked me if I thought I should see a sleep specialist.  I told him about the previous experience, explaining through my tears, "I don't have apnea, I just can't sleep well." 

And things have just kept getting worse and worse.  I've gained even more weight (though, thankfully, I'm not as high as my highest weight in 2010).  I go to bed often as early as 8:00pm (when I'm not rehearsing, that is), and get 8-9 hours of sleep some nights and am still waking up feeling groggy and miserable.  I wake up several times in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, falling back asleep in 5-10 minutes (if Brian isn't in the bed with me snoring; if he is, I have to send him out of the room, or go myself).  Some days I wake up after only a few hours of sleeping, and am not be able to fall asleep again at all, but am still too exhausted to do anything but lie in bed and maybe read or surf the internet.  I am cold all the time, sometimes to the point of being bundled up in sweatshirts and blankets (on top of my many inches of additional insulating fat), and still be shivering, but have no sign of a fever or illness. Sometimes I feel dizzy and lightheaded for no apparent reason, and can barely make it from one room to another without holding on to a wall to keep from falling down.  I have taken to working from home almost exclusively over the past few weeks, unless I absolutely need to go into the office (which is almost never, since everyone I work with is scattered around the country in various locations), because I am far too tired every morning to be able to get myself up and ready and make the 45 minute drive to Mercer Island by my normal 7:00am start time.  It literally takes me about an hour of being awake to be able to get out of bed.  Again, I am extremely fortunate in that I can do my job from my home office and no one cares if I look like death warmed over.

In any case, it all got to me one day after yet another fight with Brian over his not making a follow up appointment with his surgeon, and my feeling ineffective at work, and realizing that not even performing was giving me the joy it used to (I was working on "Man of La Mancha" at the time, with an amazing cast and a great director, and I was too tired to enjoy it the way I knew I should be).  So I decided to make an appointment with a sleep specialist at Valley Medical Center in Renton, the closest hospital.  The information I got on line sounded good, and I also got recommendations from friends who had done sleep studies there.  Most importantly, though, they were in my insurance network.  No longer working for the government with their extremely generous benefits package, I'm a little more concerned about medical expenses, now that I have a large deductible to meet, and a larger chunk of all expenses to pay after that.  Still, I was willing to pay, if they could get me some help and stop me from feeling like crap all the time.

So I made my appointment, and went to see the sleep specialist.  At this point I was extremely nervous, and, frankly, expecting to be dismissed the way I was before.  I was prepared to have to fight to be taken seriously, but fight I would.  Turns out, I didn't have to.  Upon hearing about my previous experience at Auburn General, the doctor gave me a rather surprising, but completely believable explanation.  His supposition was that I'd had borderline sleep apnea back in 2001, which the doctor wrote off as "non-apnea" because I didn't fit the risk profile of being a large necked, obese, middle aged male who snored (in fact, at the time, I was none of those things).  And that sleep apnea did worsen over time if untreated, and I was probably well within diagnosable range now.  He wanted me in for a sleep study as soon as possible.  He also seemed pretty shocked that the original specialist had been so dismissive and not prescribed any sort of treatment for me other than "get better sleep".

The dollar sign warning bells started going off in my head.  Sleep studies cost thousands of dollars, and I was going to be on the hook for a good portion of that.  Plus, I wasn't sure it was going to find anything more conclusive than the first one.  Still, I let him go get the nurse who would schedule my second sleep study.  Surprise #2 -- My insurance company would only authorize an "at home" sleep study.  What?!?!  I could do this in the comfort of my own home and my own bed?!?!  At a fraction of the cost of a sleep lab study?  Oh hell yes!

So I came by the next week to pick up the polysomnograph machine and let the tech show me how to hook it up and turn it on.  I was immensely flattered that she kept referring to me as "one of her younger patients".  I don't often feel young at 44, but again, I'm still not fitting the profile of a sleep apnea patient.  Apparently most women don't have issues with sleep apnea until after menopause.  Lucky me, the early achiever. And it is still a much more common disorder in men than in women.

That night I hooked myself up to the machine, as I was instructed, got into bed, and hoped for the best.  Naturally, I kept thinking of everything that could go wrong: the machine wouldn't work, some vital piece would fall off, I'd touch the wrong button and accidentally turn it off, or maybe I just wouldn't sleep at all, rendering the study null and void.  I needn't have worried.  I slept about as well as I normally do, which isn't great, but it did feel like sleep.  I figured they would at least have a good basis to go on.  Again, I wasn't about to get my hopes up.  Though at this point, if they didn't find out anything on the home study, I was going to insist on a lab study to make sure.

My follow-up appointment was scheduled for 2 weeks after the study was done.  I wasn't expecting to hear anything until then, as that was what had happened to me before.  So, surprise #3, I get a call just 4 days later.  On a Monday (the sleep study was done on a Wednesday night). From the doctor's office.  They had reviewed the results from the sleep study, and I definitely did have sleep apnea.  The doctor recommended CPAP therapy, and wanted to make sure I got started as soon as possible.  They were putting the pre-authorization paperwork through my insurance company that day so that I could get fitted and take it home after my follow up appointment.  I then spoke with someone in the DME (Durable Medical Equipment) facility who explained what my insurance was going to cover and what I would be responsible for.  This part did have me a bit concerned, especially having just bought a new car (totally unrelated to the sleep apnea thing), but I was determined to do what the doctor said and follow the treatment plan.  I had an actual medical condition!  And it could be treated!  It wasn't all in my head!  And ohmygodandbabyjesusonaunicycle ... I might actually start feeling normal again!

It was then that I started to cry.  Only this time, they were not tears of frustration and hopelessness, they were tears of relief.

So, I have my follow up appointment on Wednesday.  I get fitted for a CPAP mask and get my machine the same day.  I am hopefully optimistic that I might actually get a decent night's sleep on Wednesday night.  More to come after that.